Erotic fic and porn can be a lot of fun! But if you aren’t being provided with adequate sex ed through other channels (comprehensive sexual education, frank and open discussions with trusted adults, etc.), turning to fanfic and porn for your understanding of sex is gonna leave some major blindspots and may leave you with some unrealistic expectations. While there’s nothing wrong with these kinds of erotica, they are fictional and tend to leave out a lot of the more realistic, human parts of sex - they serve a great purpose, but that purpose isn’t primarily educational. The following is an incomplete list of some things you should probably know about sex that a lot of fic and porn tends to leave out:
It isn’t always super hot or super sweet. Sometimes it’s super silly. Or sometimes it’s sort of mundane and you’re both simply scratching an itch. That’s fine too. (Hell, sometimes you’re talking about comic books while boning and your partner is laughing that you’re getting REALLY ANGRY about spider-man while they’re going to town on you.)
You will probably not climax at the same moment. It’s a sweet idea, but extremely hard to coordinate, and if all your concentration is going into coming at the exact same moment, you’re probably not enjoying yourselves as much as you might.
Sometimes bodies make weird, goofy noises. Squelching, slapping, air-escaping, un-sexy noises. It’s okay to laugh at this.
Hell, it’s okay to laugh during sex in general.
Sometimes you fart. Sometimes you fart while someone is going down on you and it is embarrassing as hell. This isn’t the end of the world. Embarrassing body things happen. Heck, sometimes, with anal, there’s a little poo. You get over it.
Sometimes sex is… kinda bad? This doesn’t mean it’s assault, or something traumatic – sometimes it’s consensual but just kinda bleh and not what you hoped for. The best thing to do (if you’re talking about sex with a partner and not just a hook up who you can not call back) is talk to them about it. Figure out what went wrong, what you enjoy and what you don’t, and communicate what techniques you do and don’t like. Also don’t be afraid to stop someone in the middle of the sex act you’re not enjoying and offer guidance on how to help make it good for you too. (Side tip: masturbation makes great research into what you personally do and don’t enjoy sexually)
You won’t enjoy every sex act. Not every body is wired to find every thing pleasurable. You might find anal does nothing for you. You may find g-spot stimulation just makes you really anxious that you’re about to pee. You may not enjoy giving or receiving oral. You’re not broken if you don’t like something that every pornstar or smutty fanfic protagonist seems to have earth-shattering orgasms from. Everyone’s got nerve endings in a range of places – it’s quite literally, different strokes for different folks.
On that note, not all orgasms are earth-shattering. Sometimes it just feels warm and nice. That’s fine too.
Sometimes, if you’re neutral on a sex act and your partner loves it, you can suck it up for them, and they’ll suck up something they’re not crazy about for your pleasure in return. But communicate preferences with each other! Know that when a partner does that thing you love that they don’t get much from, that it’s an act of care, and vice versa.
Falling asleep in each other’s arms right after wild passionate sex seems really romantic, but dried and crusty fluids are gonna be a bitch in the morning. Also, after sex, you should both (regardless of your equipment) go pee to clear out the urethra of any gunk or bacteria to reduce risk of a UTI.
Putting a towel down on the bed before sex means you don’t have to sleep on wet funky sheets. (it’s also verrrrrry useful for period sex if you or your partner menstruate.)
A lot of people don’t like dirty talk, or rough sex. Always ask first. (Fanfic on the whole does a better job than porn at showing communication, but a lot of it is still highly fictive on this point)
PROTECTION PROTECTION PROTECTION. Use condoms, dental dams, etc. not just to prevent pregnancy, but to reduce risk of STIs. (Yes, even couples with the same genitals who don’t need to worry about pregnancy).
Lube is great and very important, but random goopy things around you are not good lube. Random oils especially, since oil doesn’t flush out well and can trap bacteria inside the body – oil-based lubricant also degrades condoms. Use lube specifically designed for intimate purposes. Water-based and silicone-based lubes help sex feel really good!
Bigger isn’t necessarily better. A lot of people with vaginas don’t enjoy the feeling of being repeatedly punched in the cervix by a monster cock. Some people enjoy a larger size when being penetrated by an appendage or toy and some don’t.
Bodies are hairy. Genitals are hairy. You may get a pube stuck in your teeth at some point. If your partner is WAY fuzzier than porn ever led you to believe they’d be, well, that’s normal.
Not everyone loves the taste of ejaculate. Sometimes it’s nasty (flavor tends to vary from person to person depending on their diet, but sometimes you just really don’t like it no matter what. Some of us hate the taste of peanut butter. People don’t always like things). It’s okay not to swallow, or to request a penis-having partner warn you so they don’t ejaculate in your mouth (in fact, it’s polite for them to do the latter).
If you’re gonna have shower sex, get one of those rubbery mats for the shower floor that gives you traction, because otherwise it’s super embarrassing to call for an ambulance while dripping wet and naked because you slipped and accidentally broke something and your partner got a concussion while you were trying to bang in the shower.
Moaning and screaming wildly during sex is fun but it will make the neighbors in the apartments adjacent to you hate you. Make choices accordingly.
This is all excellent advice. I could throw in a couple more:
One of the weird things about American culture is the tendency to refer to things by brand name, as opposed to the product name.
For example, I’ve known people to say Kleenex when they meant tissue. I’ve heard people use Hoover instead of vacuum.
And it gets to a point with certain things that some people can’t distinguish the difference.
Weedwhacker is a brand. How many people know the real term is “string trimmer”? Jell-O is a brand. And it’s so pervasive that people call literally any gelatin dessert “jello” even if it’s not made by Jell-O. Tupperware! That’s a brand!
The one thing that constantly messes with my head, though:
DUMPSTER IS A BRAND.
AND I HAVE GENUINELY NO IDEA WHAT TO CALL A DUMPSTER OTHER THAN A DUMPSTER.
So there was a very good peaceful protest by…. Lafayette Park? Right outside the White House. They were chanting, they had multiple reporters in the crowd, it was fucking CHILL, people were waiting for Trump to do a speech in the Rose Garden.
Then, out of nowhere, truly NOWHERE, the cops closed in from three directions and threw gas into the crowd. They used rubber bullets on the crowd IMMEDIATELY. One dude told the reporter “They don’t care about news, move.” They drove out the totally fucking peaceful, pre-curfew protestors.
They moved them all out, and Trump started speaking, and you could hear the fucking gas going off over his speech. CNN fucking did a splitscreen to show the peopple being shoved back as the motherfucker stood up there and said he would protect our rights and would mobilize the military against people.
Then back to the reporters, and everyone was forced further and further away. One woman on a bike told the reporter “They are getting the water cannons ready, you wanna move.”
TURNS OUT.
ALL OF THIS.
WAS BECAUSE TRUMP WANTED A PHOTO OP AT THE CHURCH ACROSS THE STREET. HE WANTED THEM OUT OF THE WAY SO HE COULD STAND WITH A BIBLE IN FRONT OF A CHURCH.
Even CNN is calling him a dictator, at 7PM.
Then the Illinois governor came out and called him a racist, xenophobic, misogynistic failure.
ETA: OH AND AFTER THE FACT one of the CNN ppl said that the cops claimed they gave three warnings to the crowd to disperse. There were reporters literally in the crowd, and didn’t mention hearing anything along those lines and where as shocked as anyone when the crowd was forced to move. So they’re fucking lying.
The Bishop whose church he stood in front of issued a statement, this is real:
The President just used a Bible and one of the churches of my diocese as a backdrop for a message antithetical to the teachings of Jesus and everything that our church stands for. To do so, he sanctioned the use of tear gas by police officers in riot gear to clear the church yard.
I am outraged.
The President did not pray when he came to St. John’s; nor did he acknowledge the agony and sacred worth of people of color in our nation who rightfully demand an end to 400 years of systemic racism and white supremacy in our country.
We in the Diocese of Washington follow Jesus in His Way of Love. We aspire to be people of peace and advocates of justice. In no way do we support the President’s incendiary response to a wounded, grieving nation. In faithfulness to our Savior who lived a life of non-violence and sacrificial love, we align ourselves with those seeking justice for the death of George Floyd and countless others through the sacred act of peaceful protest.
Trump was embarrassed for hiding in the underground White House bunker during the protests yesterday.
So this was a direct reaction to #bunkerboy trending on social media. In order to prove how brave he is, they staged this cowardly ‘event’.
if you aren’t financially able to donate, please consider watching this entire vlog (and all the ad’s) because they’re donating all the adsense money to the Floyd families gofundme. these are the first youtubers ive seen do something like this and i am so happy i support them 💕 please share if able
for people who are unaware of why the riots in minneapolis started happening, here’s the facts:
it wasn’t george floyd’s protesters who started reacting violently; it was the cops.
the protest was peaceful until the cops showed up in riot gear, and started using water cannons, followed up by tear gas and rubber bullets. i got videos from friends who were there, of people screaming and running away from the cops shooting the water cannons, rubber bullets and throwing tear gas at them. they were even shooting at the protesters dragging people away to get medical attention.
speaking of medical attention, dispatch refused to provide any medical attention to the protesters. people literally had to drive their bleeding friends to the hospital because they refused to send ambulances.
cops are using non-lethal weapons in a lethal way. they shot rubber bullets into people’s heads and injured them. there’s dozens of photos of protesters with bleeding head wounds from the rubber bullets.
multiple people used police scanners and heard that there were undercover cops pretending to be violent protesters who were throwing rocks and whatnot at the police, with dozens of eyewitness accounts confirming that information.
the person who instigated all the chaos last night (it was a fire at an autozone) with the looting and burning buildings is highly suspected to be an undercover cop pretending to be a protester, because the video of him keeps getting taken down. protesters tried to stop him but couldn’t because he had a hammer and they were scared for their safety.
the cops jammed cell phone towers and cut live streams to interrupt broadcasts and to prevent people from seeing what was really going on and who actually started the violence.
the cops lied about protesters being armed and about throwing rocks and are literally trying to continue the violence happening and yet no one is holding them accountable for that.
and during all this, the cop that murdered george floyd still hasn’t been arrested. he has had more than ten complaints filed against him and was involved in three other civilian shootings in the past. and yet he’s still out free along with his three other buddies involved, probably sitting on his couch while all this chaos is happening.
so don’t get it twisted. the cops just want to change the narrative to make it look like they’re the wounded and righteous party, when they’re the ones who started reacting violently in the first place and are still acting violently. so don’t you ever forget who started this tragedy and murdered someone, and who are continuing to react to the situation with violence.
Btw, this is part of Dialectic Behavioural Therapy, DBT for short, which was invented by a woman with borderline. It doesn’t only work with panic attacks but also self harm, negative thought spirals, and sometimes even intrusive flashbacks.
Eating very spicey stuff works as well. I used to keep little packets of wasabi in my jacket, and that saved me more times I can count.
Anxiety is an emotional thing BUT there are feedback systems in place in your body that pay attention to physical states as well, which is why you then experience raised heart rate and so on when anxious. Eliminate or confuse one feedback system? Reduce anxiety.
When you go into fight or flight mode, non-crucial body functions stop working so you have more energy to do what you need to do to survive (oooor to spiral into a panic attack). By forcing yourself to make saliva it helps calm you down because since fight or flight is an all or nothing response, they can’t happen at the same time.
Learned that from my old therapist, who would use it with veterans with ptsd
He explained his reasoning to me when he got home.
1. I would initially think “what the fuck” and be distracted from the anxiety. (Correct.)
2. The cold of the ice would shock my system, bringing me back to the physical world and reality, drawing my focus to the cold in my mouth, and keep my brain away from thinking “I’m panicking, I must be dying.” (Correct.)
3. He assumed I hadn’t drank much water today and wanted to keep me hydrated. (Triple correct.)
I was just about to spiral into a bad panic attack, and my boyfriend goes “Stick an ice cube in your mouth.” I’m not really sure where he got the idea, and I kinda laughed at it because I didn’t see how it would help, but he was insistent. So I did it.
